Are you in a sexless marriage?

Dec 7, 2020

Elaine Young Holistic Therapy Holistic Therapist

Being in a sexless marriage is one of the biggest issues married couples face, second only to financial troubles. So, if you’re having to ask yourself if you’re in a sexless marriage, you most likely are. But, you’re not the only couple experiencing a lack of activity in the bedroom. According to a recent study, only 7% of married couples are experiencing sexual happiness in their marriage.

In this article, I will explain what may be causing your sexual inadequacy, what you can do to relight the passion or light it for the first time. And why you may need to bring in a professional sexual happiness guru.

So, how much sex are married couples having today?

According to Maureen McGrath TED Talks video, married couples are having sex once a week for the first decade. And 20% of married couples have sex less than 10 times per year. A lot of things can interfere with our sex lives, which I will discuss in more detail later on. The main issue we’re facing is that we’re having sex at the wrong time. Before we even get married, we’re sexually active for around 10 years, so by the time we get married we’re ‘sexually bored’. 

When we meet someone who we’re sexually attracted to for the first time, our brains release phenylethylamine, also known as PEA. PEA triggers the release of dopamine and norepinephrine. Dopamine is the brains’ reward and desire system, and norepinephrine induces feelings of intense pleasure. Unfortunately, after about 2 years this chemical decreases. This is why you may find you don’t have the same sex drive you did when you first met your spouse.

unhappy couple on sofa, frustrated

Why sex education is teaching us that sex is wrong

Sex education is a real issue for both women and men when it comes to learning about sex. Women are made to believe that sex is dirty, and that you shouldn’t have sex if you don’t want to get pregnant. Many sex education programmes completely miss out the part where sexual happiness, desire and pleasure are all great reasons to have sex and shouldn’t be frowned upon. 

Men on the other hand have access to porn, which doesn’t teach men how to be intermate with their partner or how to make love. Pornography gives men a very warped idea on what sex actually is.

couple standing together, holding hands, looking out over the hill

Other factors encouraging a sexless marriage:

You, me and my mobile phone 

10% of people check their phones DURING sex, whilst 35% check their phones straight after sex. For a lot of spouses, sex is about intimacy and feeling loved. If you check your phone during or straight away after, sex becomes less about a connection and more a job ticked off a list.

Women not making the first move

A large percentage of men complain that their wife doesn’t make the first move. This brings us back to the poor quality of sex education we receive. Women are taught to believe that women don’t initiate sex and that this is the man’s job.

Motherhood and sex don’t go together

A lot of women believe they cannot and should not be sexually active once they become a mother. That somehow being sexually desirable and wanting to experience sexual happiness isn’t right for mothers. This just isn’t true, like any other man or woman, parents should experience sexual happiness in their relationship.

Sexual abuse

Unfortunately, if you have experienced sexual abuse, you’re likely to think sex is dirty. And although healing takes a lifetime, sexual happiness is something you can achieve. Especially in your marriage, with the person you love and trust.

Erectile disfunction

Erectile disfunction is something a lot of men experience, from as early as 30/40. There are other medical conditions that can contribute toward being in a sexless marriage, but for the most part, these can be helped through working with a sexual happiness guru or asking for medical assistance.

Loneliness due to a sexless marriage may kill you

It’s well known that being in a sexless marriage can leave you feeling frustrated, unloved, unattractive, and worse of all, lonely. In Maureen’s TedTalk she explains how loneliness causes more deaths in America than diabetes!

Nobody wants their loved one to feel any of the above things, so it is important we pay attention to our spouse and provide that much-needed comfort. 

Men cheat to remain in a sexless marriage, women cheat to leave it – Maureen McGrath

When does sex end?

In a nutshell, it doesn’t!

As long as you are fit and healthy you can experience sexual happiness well into your 80s and 90s. And before you say ‘ew’ or ‘that’s gross’, it’s important to remember that sex is healthy and experiencing sexual happiness is a lot more enjoyable than being in a sexless marriage.

old couple walking holding hands

How to rev up a sexless marriage

If you’re unhappy in your sexless marriage and are looking for ways to improve your sexual happiness then I hope this article has helped you realise that firstly, you aren’t in this alone and that you can change the way you view sex. Let’s look at how…

  • Women believe that you need to firstly enjoy sexual activity in order to be sexually active. When in fact, it is the other way round. Women need to be sexually active, in order to enjoy the pleasure sex brings. 
  • Communication is KEY to great sex! You need to speak, interact, and truly see your partner, in order to experience sexual happiness. 
  • You will receive more sexual pleasure when the blood flows to your genitalia. This is what’s known as sexercise! Get involved, have fun, and see what happens.
  • Pay more attention to your spouse than you do your phone. Go to bed without your phones and see what happens.
  • Fantasy is key! Your brain is your largest sexual organ, so don’t be afraid to use it!

Most importantly, you need to be there for one another, talk about your issues, and openly communicate with each other. If you would like to discuss anything discussed in this article or would like to discuss any of your own sexual issues, please be in touch

I also strongly recommend you watch Maureen McGraths TedTalk – watch it here.

Please talk to me

If you still have any questions, or are interested in embarking on a holistic therapy journey with me, contact me today to book a FREE discovery session.